My Sensitivity Sometimes

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to handle people who mock my choices in life; particularly my choice in being at church.

Oh, my God. Send help!

Internally crying out for help on how to respond to this person.

I didn’t know what to say to him. I tried to calm myself. I smiled. Yea, maybe a fake one. I didn’t know what my face is doing. I cared less. He keeps on making fun of me. I tried to answer calmly and smile, but whatever I say he answers me with Amen, sister.

I was internally panicking ‘cos I really wanted to punch his face with sharp honest words about his own mistakes and ugly behavior.

Almost at the edge of my patience then a phrase hit my head. I calmed myself even more. Breathed deeply than usual, and said, I’m sorry, but please leave me alone if you don’t have anything important to say.

I left without regret but still trying to calm myself because I know I still wanted to hurt his feelings.

Keep walking away! Keep walking away! Keep walking away!

Repeatedly telling myself so not to return and explode.

It was so hard not to lose my cool. I don’t want to lose the fight. I feel like this situation is so stupid to lose it. I didn’t look back.

Whew! I survived. Thank God!

My hands are cold. Had to drink cold water to keep my sanity intact.

I’m thinking of it now and I figured it was my first time to encounter a person who makes fun of other people’s choices without remorse. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to handle people who mock my choices in life; particularly my choice in being at church.

I wanted to burst out in anger but I need to show grace ‘cos that’s how we church goers should be, right?

Anyway, that’s it. I was able to keep my cool and be kind at the end of it all. I feel victorous but still feeling hurt. Still wanted to punch him too. It doesn’t matter now. I don’t think it’s necessary.

Sigh! Keep me away from this guy. Please.

I’m not sure, but is there something wrong with being at church?

Getting Over Step One

“Which one is harder, writing the first sentence or the last?” 

I am not one of those reliable writers, but I find making the first sentence much more difficult to write than the last. Maybe because I always have this never getting over step one syndrome. It requires a lot of effort for me to start something and often the start never happens. Whether if it’s about writing, learning to play drums, go to the gym, learn new things for my career or even waking up early.   

Is it still procrastination when you’re just less motivated to do something new? Or is it just that I am so used to whatever I am doing right now and changing my habits might disrupt my system? Or I’m making excuses? Maybe I’m just making excuses.   

I have been thinking a lot about these things for the past couple of weeks already, maybe it’s the new year feeling. I think I’ve wasted two years slacking off and not learning new things. I noticed I’ve been so out of date with my chosen field and I really feel I know less and less every day. I wanted to change that this year.  

So, here’s my solution to my never ending step one…  

I created a table of all the things I wanted to do and achieve this year; whether achievable or not. I started in trying to think of the resources I have in hand and will be needing to achieve these things. I ended up with these 3 columns:  

Column A: Tasks or items. For example: certification/s, new language to learn, learn or buy a musical instrument, country I wanted to go to, anything at all.  

Column B: Resources. How long is the training and/or review? How much should I need to save for a task or item?  

Column C: Timeline. How much of my time and effort I can give for a task according to my resources? When do I want to start? Which of these tasks can go together in the same month? When do I want this to be accomplished?  

When the table has been filled with enough information, I tried to do self-assessment to make the timeline more realistic. I altered each tasks/items’ timeline according to what I’ve figured helpful. Here are the two questions I’ve asked myself that I think are worth sharing:

  1. What are the pros and cons if I pushed through with a task considering my existing responsibilities and commitments?
    •  I had to make sure that all of my responsibilities and commitments will not suffer for my chosen task.
  2. Do I need it or I just want it?
    • This is the first question my brother asks me when I consult him for anything that I wanted to do or buy. I think this is important to consider and it helped me a lot when making a decision.

Once I’ve answered all the questions, I plotted them out in my calendar. Set a reminder and an alarm for each task. I only put the tasks/items that I can achieve for the first quarter. I’m planning to assess myself before the second quarter starts. Pressure.

I know this is tedious, I just thought that maybe I can’t start something new because I haven’t tried being strict with myself; giving myself deadline. I’ve been too kind and gracious to myself that I ended up being mediocre. 

I’m not sure if this will be successful but at least, (finally!) I started something new. By the way, I started going to the gym, saving up for a guitar and I’m reviewing for an exam I wanted to take on March. I feel great!

Someone who Listens

However stupid the words they utter or write, someone is listening to or understanding them and responding like people are really interested to what they’re talking about.

I was having fun chatting with few of my friends from my previews employer, then suddenly I remembered a friend (not from the same group) told me, “I know you! You’re not gonna stop replying unless I stopped sending messages!”

It’s funny but totally true of me. I have this weird habit that I always wanted to respond to what other people is saying or what messages they’re sending me. I have this I-really-really-have-to-respond-to-this or this-might-be-important-to-them feeling. As much as possible, I wanted people to know that whatever they say it matters, at least to me.

Kudos to that friend. I’m impressed that he figured that out. Quite observant and I appreciate that he knows me, at some point.

Anyway, I just want to share that because I find it important. It’s important in a sense that people sometimes need someone to listen to them. However stupid the words they utter or write, someone is listening to or understanding them and responding like people are really interested to what they’re talking about. It’s important that we show people that we care about what’s important to them. The only drawback that I can see in here is that we will eventually expect others to do the same, but unfortunately not everyone is willing to be like this.

I have been disappointed many times by some of my friends because they kept on interrupting me while I’m telling them stories or what’s on my mind. I find it rude and disrespectful, but you can’t blame them. Everyone is not the same and not all are willing to do extra effort to care for their not-so-close friends.

It’s hard to be the nicer person in this selfish world but I really challenge you to try to listen to people. Especially to those around you that irritates you or people that you just don’t like. Maybe what they’re telling you is a piece of hurt that’s been kept in their heart for a long time and just wanted to let it out (on you. LOL kidding!) I believe you know what I mean.

So there you have it! Try it for a week and let me know your thoughts. Have a blessed week!

Never Getting Over Step One

What I am about to rant, rave and vent about isn’t any different from your experiences, I just thought I’d make an exaggerated blown-up reflection-slash-point-of-view of it. I don’t think anyone would mind anyway, who cares right?

This is my cue to let one of BIG heavy sigh.

The entry I was making was accidentally deleted!!!! And I’ve written roughly 3 lengthy paragraphs!!!

OK so here I go once again.

I was saying that the experiences and thoughts in this entry have been fluttering about and floating around on top of my head like wretched flies buzzing so annoyingly for days. I haven’t had the time to sit down quietly, turn on my computer, and connect to the ever-slowing internet connection I have at home, specially when someone keeps on using and connecting to online video streaming! So this is it! Finally!

What I am about to rant, rave and vent about isn’t any different from your experiences, I just thought I’d make an exaggerated blown-up reflection-slash-point-of-view of it. I don’t think anyone would mind anyway, who cares right?

So enough of the preliminaries. This is exactly what I’m talking about. It’s always such a chore, a challenge, or simply a great difficulty to get past the intros and formalities and just dive in right smack center into all of it. You know what I mean.

I love books, I love reading them so I keep on searching for good books that suites me. Lately I stopped reading, not because I don’t want to do it anymore. I just feel like… Maybe, this is a time for me to write. Things that I have to tell, things that maybe will help me or someone with same situation as mine. And now I picture the collection of the colorful spines of loads of books I have read on the shelf as well as the loads of books forgotten. But for you bookworms, isn’t it exhilarating when you get past that initial stump and just can’t let go of the book? I love that feeling. But like what I said, for me, it takes some amount of patience to really get started. That’s getting over step ONE.

It’s sometimes hard to get out of step one, in order to get to the end, it’s a must. The first steps, the most memorable, the hardest, even the hardest to let go.

At least it’s the hardest for me, I find myself lingering at beginning afraid to go beyond the familiar, to take that other one brave step.

I think my friends would agree that it’s always the first person who you truly fell for that you never forget who you keep remembering when you hear a song or see something, who’d always just there at the back of your mind. That person’s just simply unforgettable. No matter how many crushes you’ve had how many relationships you’ve been through. It still ends up with that person. Soooo frustrating. It may not necessarily be your first relationship, or your childhood crush or something. For me (for my own opinion), it’s that someone who is totally unconventional, someone who I had the craziest conversations with, someone who may have changed yet I don’t see as any different from before. It’s someone who makes me just so mad at times and so happy. Someone who I describe more will become so obvious that my friends may just catch on… Hehehe… So, how about you, who’s that someone in your life?

I’m not brave enough to share anything more.

But let’s just say I haven’t quite forgotten that “Step One Person”.

Like that book I just want to read but can’t really finish but keep going back to.

Whatever. It’s a jumble of thoughts. Hehehe.

And now, even in this post I can’t seem to get to the gist of it all!

New Blog Site!

Hi everyone!

This is the third time I transferred my blog and most probably this will be the last. I know this is kind of boring but I just want to congratulate myself in doing all the customization in 3 hours! Knowing that I have to go out of the house before 6AM since I have an appointment to an embassy. *whispers* I’m going out of the country.

I’ll start transferring the entries I love the most to this site and will be removing the old site from its existence (maybe next month), LOL.

I’m excited and looking forward in blabbering things about my travel, books I read, my everyday life and what-not.

See you around!

Unemployed Midnight Thoughts

This is actually one of the reasons I don’t want vacations that exceeds more than a week. My brain’s resting too, and that’s not good. I’m starting to be lazy, I eat a lot without burning all of them down and I feel so worthless sometimes.

It’s been almost a decade now since the last post (that’s exaggerated obviously).

I’m unemployed for two weeks now and I only have nine days left to spend from what I call “vacation”. Then back to reality.  Reality that I am an adult, I have bills to pay, I have dreams and I have to eat and travel! (Damn that travel. So expensive, but I do it anyway.) And the books! I almost forgot, I want to buy books not just read PDFs and online copies. I want legit books!

You must be wondering why am I unemployed. To make the story short, I resigned from my previous employer (of course, not that I’ve been fired. I’m slight a good employee. lol) because I found a better workplace where I can share my skills and make the world a better place, and an employer that can help me grow even more in my chosen career (am I hired? lol). I should have thirty days rendering period, but since I do not have lots of workload left to render our management decided to shorten my stay and made it just one week (clever, isn’t it?). So instead of my end day on my previous company that will be my first day in the new one, it didn’t happen. I have three weeks of time to work on my requirements (which is good. I don’t need to excuse myself at work) and have lots of me, family and friends time. But you know what’s not good with three weeks of no work? NO INCOME GUYS! I’m broke as every young professional!

Now I’m writing this lousy entry for no apparent reason. I only have nine days left (like what I have said) and I don’t know what to expect! This is actually one of the reasons I don’t want vacations that exceeds more than a week. My brain’s resting too, and that’s not good. I’m starting to be lazy, I eat a lot without burning all of them down and I feel so worthless sometimes. I’ve been using my funds (which is my savings by the way) since the day I started to become unemployed and it’s getting smaller guys. I’m getting broke and no one wants to stay broke.

Anyway, moving on to greatness! To you who now realized that you wasted your three minutes reading this, I am grateful for your existence. May you be blessed with awesomeness and may you be the best Pokémon trainer in the world! Sa uulitin, bro! 🕶

P.S. I did not triple checked this entry and did not thought of this more than two. So apologies for the weirdness✌🏼️